I wish I was one of those brave people that can just lay all my issues out there and say so what. I think it is natural to want to appear un-affected. Just the other night while me + him were discussing our woes he said “I just don’t want to feel sorry for myself because I know it could be so much worse.” He is right. We should just be happy every moment of every day because we do have it good. But the truth is, some days even a smile feels like an effort.
Me+him have been trying for years to
start a family. years. We finally got answers last year about why it isn't happening for us. It has been a rough journey and we still feel
frustrated about the process. I go back and forth with my emotions. Just when I
think I have a handle on things my world gets dark again. I seem to battle
often with acceptance vs. anger.
Sometimes the truth [infertility, dental
school debt, poor health, bills, bills and more doctor bills] takes a toll on
my spirit. So, I cry. And yes, even feel
a little bit sorry for myself. I try
not to indulge too much into it. Instead, I try to recognize the lessons.
The lessons make me a better person. And maybe, just maybe, the sooner I
figure them out, the shorter the aching will last.
Lessons I have been taught lately:
1.
I
had an epiphany this week as I have been trying to step outside of myself and
switch my focus out-ward. I had an
overwhelming feeling that serving others is simply the best possible use
of my time right now. That it is God’s work and I should be thankful that I
have been given this extra time to help others. It certainly makes the waiting
a lot less painful.
2.
Timing is everything and unfortunately, it is not my decision when
things happen. It is pointless to worry about a timeline
and stress about things I cannot control. I will continue to make plans, but from now on, my
plans will be flexible.
3.
It
is important to just k e e p g o i n g. It is the very nature of life that there will
be hills to climb followed by downward stomach-dropping fun to be had. I have
the faith that things will turn around and when they do, I hope that I will be more
aware of just how sweet it really is.
{learning}
*The above photo was taken for my "about" page on my photography blog. You can see more here.
27 comments :
You are so wise! Keep holding onto your hope and faith, and in the meantime, stay busy with service and other good works. So, so wise. And to keep things in perspective, I have a sister in law who has serious health issues. Never thought she would be able to have children. And yet a miracle occurred and she will turn 6 years old this month. So never lose hope - your miracle could be just around the corner. No matter what happens, I have a feeling you and your sweet husband will find joy.
I love you Katie. I'm so glad that I came to Ohio and we were able to be friends. Your faith has been such an example to me and has left lasting impression. Your kindness and creativity have left me in awe at times. Even though I don't get to see you as much as I would like to I'm so glad you were put into my life Katie.
oh and p.s the pictures that you took of sarah and her kids are gorgeous!
there is so much I could say, but I'll leave it at "I love you."
this is a very heartfelt post and as I new reader (as of today) i find it refreshing to see honesty and real life issues being blogged. I love how you try to stay positive through what I can only imagine a VERY HARD time. It's ok to be hurt and upset sometimes... you are human and we can't be perfect all the time but it's also good to hold your head up and keep living for the moment. So be proud of yourself for looking at the bright sides of a not so easy outcome.
You are a GREAT girl, Katie, and great things are going to happen for you.
Karin and Bobby are struggling with infertility. I see in her eyes how hard it is, but her attitude is similar to yours. She will find her happiness, one way or another. I know you will, too.
And yes, you are learning. A lot.
Love,
Sue =)
Perfectly said. Love you too!
I can't imagine your emotions and I often don't know what I can do or say to offer some comfort. You are so amazing at everything you do (i'm pretty jealous of your awesomeness!) I hope you know I LOVE LOVE LOVE you and I'm always here if you need someone to chat with or cry to. I don't judge, you and you know you can talk to me about ANYTHING! (you know what I mean).
love you girl!
I can only imagine how you must feel. Just reading this brought tears to my eyes. Tears of remembrance of a happy go lucky funny adorable young girl I knew what seems like so many years ago now. Tears of sadness for the struggles within you now and the pain you must feel. And tears of joy for the mature, wise and beautiful young woman and wife and talented photographer and many other things you have become. I love you and keep you in my prayers.
Thank you for this. I know how you feel. Truly.
Katie,
You are incredible. My heart completely goes out to you, having been in your shoes. It is a rough road. You are an amazing, righteous, loving, and genuine daughter of our Heavenly Father. Those blessings that you seek will come, one way or another, and I'm happy for you that you can see the learning experiences through the whole process. I know exactly what you mean and how you feel and I promise you that when your time comes, you WILL cherish every moment in a way that no other mother can. You guys deserve all the best! We'll be praying for you.
Keep hoping, keep praying, and remember you're not alone!
Much love,
Kara Mortensen :)
Ok - this made me miss you even more and want to see you in the flesh! I know there is a plan. As simple as that. BUT it doesn't mean it doesn't suck sometimes. I think you're amazing and always have. I so needed your wise words and faith. Thanks lady. xo
{{{{{Hugs}}}}}
Oh I am so sorry Katie! I had no idea. I will keep u guys in our prayers. Know it's ok to feel hurt. It's hard when u have righteous desires that aren't being fulfilled. You're justified in having sad days, but more importantly you're wise to look at the bright side of things and keep your head up.... I know your prayers and desires will be answered...hang in there. You are such a beautiful couple and you are one of my fav bloggers...so much talent u have in photography, decorating, graphic design, fashion, kindness and humility. I hope you have a wonderful Easter and thanks for sharing your sweet thoughts. If anything, it gets things off you chest and gets others praying for u which is a plus!
I found your blog via the comments section of natfatrat something or other. I have been struggling with very similar issues and when you mentioned "worrying about the timeline" I knew I had to comment! I did some digging and figured out you're the same age as me and oh my doesn't turning 30 in the soonish range really amp things up?! I so appreciate your openness I am not able to be open about something that is so deeply personal and close to my soul. I admire your ability to write the post you did and at the same time find it comforting (we are not alone! side note: It seems like every friend I have has gotten pregnant without trying or on the first or second try). Please keep your readers posted on your journey as reading others stories with similar issues is incredibly helpful to those of us who can't speak up about it *yet*.
timing is the biggest thing i have been struggling with lately. it's hard to always remember that the lord's timing is what is best and that things will eventually work out how they are meant to. beeing a 22 year old girl surrounded by marriages and baby announcements, i have to remind myself that the lord's timing is far better than my own. the hardest part is knowing exactly who/what you want and waiting/hoping that in the end it's the same thing heavenly father wants. but like you said, serving is what helps us get through it. i find that when i am helping others i forget that i have reasons to be bummed. serving is the very thing that helps us put our lives into perspective. thanks for this post. thanks for reminding me that i'm not the only one who must learn patience and acceptance of the lord's timing.
Hi Katie, it's Auntie Rita - when I saw this post I knew I should share this quote by Elder Joseph Wirthlin, I got it from Jed's wife, Marianne: "Each of us will have our own Fridays - those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We all have our Fridays. But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death - Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come. No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, Sunday will come. In this life or the next,
Sunday will come." This quote is taped to the wall over my desk, I think of it almost every day. We love you!
Katie-what precious friends you have. You are so loved and thought of. It was touching to me to read through each person's thoughts. Hang in there. Happiness is found in lots of places, and you are given the opportunity to find them and cherish them...to focus on things you might otherwise have missed. I love you sis.
Great post and great lessons. I love conference weekend. It always feels like they have something specific for me too. Thanks for sharing. :)
xoxo,
Taylor
taylormorgandesign.blogspot.com
Katie, I don't even know what to say but want you to know how much having you in my life for a short time meant to me! You are amazing with so much talent and such a genuine friend! I wish I could give you a big hug and say it will all be okay. I don't know for sure it will be but I have hope and faith like you that it will be. Its great to see your perspective even though I know its hard to think that way most the time its good to hear you are trying. I love you and miss you all the time! you are always in my prayers!
Katie, you are amazing. I know this is such a hard time right now, and I think you have such a great perspective. I liked what you said about keeping your plans flexible. I am so sorry that you are going through this, but know that you are loved and in so many prayers:) Missing you tons.
I hope so hard that one day you will become a parent. I have a strong feeling that you will so in the mean time. Breathe...
much love and respect, Luce
www.houseofhemingway.com
Love your blog and find it very inspiring! xoxo
LSnow
kissandnowthis.blogspot.com
You are so loved. You are so brave. You are so talented. You are so much like me... :) Totally kidding. You surpass my coolness with just your pinky finger. I'm glad you have been in my life forever, in one way or another. I am always learning from you. You never cease to inspire me. Our prayers are always with you. Big hug!
This poem is so you.
You.Are.Amazing.
As. you. are.
Stronger than you know.
More beautiful than you think.
Worthier than you believe.
More loved than you can ever imagine.
Passionate about making a difference.
Fiery when protecting those you love.
Learning. Growing. Not alone.
Warm. Giving. Generous.
Quirky. Sexy. Funny. Smart.
Flawed. Whole. Scared. Brave.
And so, so, so.much.more.
Be Strong. Be Confident. Be You.
-Tia Sparkles Singh
I'm so glad you shared this post with me.
This is a hard thing to talk about, and I think it's so wise for you to do so. We tried for years for our first. We finally got pregnant and I had a miscarriage a few months later. During the whole process I was ripped up inside because I didn't tell ANYONE.
I like your list...service, timing, just make sure that you stay happy being you right now. I know it's hard...and I so feel your pain. Love to you!
You are much stronger then you realize :)
I found your blog today when I was searching for a striped yellow scarf :) I just love this blog & hope you don't mind if I follow along!
One of my best friends and her husband tried for years... she all but gave up & now they have 3 boys. don't give up :) I will keep you in my prayers.
twopinktutus.blogspot.com
-misty
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